I’m not going to start this out in a typical manner because I really don’t want everyone to know exactly who I am, but I do want you all to know some basic things about me.
I am a female.
I am married.
I live with a drug addict.
With that being said, statistically, there are at least 12 million people in the United States who are abusing opioid drugs every day. Basically, there is an opioid crisis going on. And I’m in the middle of it.
But, that’s not what I’m on here to talk about right now. Right now I want to share with you some of my deepest and darkest thoughts. Because I can’t talk to everyone about this in my normal life. Heck, most people don’t even know what all is going on in my life.
So let me ask you something. Have you ever wished that the person you love most would just die? I do. Have you ever thought about having to plan a funeral for your spouse even though you all have only been married several years? I have. You see, my husband is a drug addict. He can’t help it. (Well yes he can, but that’s a whole other issue)
I should honestly classify him as a ‘recovering drug addict’, but how that classification works, I don’t know. He slips off the wagon just as much as he is on it. I am so tired of this roller coaster.
Some might say, just leave him. But those words are easier said than done. You see, I love this man. And I know love isn’t everything, but it’s still a huge part of the reason I’m still here. He truly is apologetic every single time he does the drugs. He truly is trying to change. However, he’s been a drug addict for over 5 years now. It’s a hard habit to break. But June 1st he is going to see a psychologist who specializes in drug addiction. We both hope that helps.
I don’t really know what I am trying to say really. I am just trying to get everything out so that I don’t explode on him and make the situation worse. He gets easily provoked by stress. (by provoked, I mean, he gets more cravings to do more drugs; he has never gotten physical with me). It’s quite the opposite really, I’ve gotten pretty physically violent with him more than a couple of times. Sometimes, he just infuriates me so much.
I have a habit of writing out my feelings on the Notes section of my iPhone when I get really mad at him. So let me copy you all a little section of this one note from a couple of days ago:
“Does anyone have a clue what it’s like to live with a drug addict? because holy shit it’s tough. My husband. Yeah, that’s right, I’m married to a drug addict. Anyways, my husband is what you’d call a recovering drug addict. But aren’t they all? They all say they want to quit. It’s usually just a lie to keep you with them. So you won’t leave them… God, why am I so stupid to always believe his bullshit? So he and I had a huge fight today. He comes home from work and I guess he had a bad day… Whooptie doo. We all have fucking bad days. But it’s different for drug addicts. Even the slightest little thing will set them off..”
I never got to finish that thought because he got done getting the pills and snorting about half of it.
You wanna know what’s really messed up though? I sometimes feel like I’m an enabler because I sometimes choose to keep the peace vs. having a huge fight with him and then he will lie to me each time he does drugs and borrow money from other people in order to buy the drugs, or worse yet, pawn something.
Does that make me a bad person? For just giving him the cash?
I don’t know. I don’t really have the energy to care right now.
I’m a nurse. I should know better…