It has been 4 years since I got married.
Four years of living with a drug addict.
My God, where has the time gone?
On the bright side, we had a fairly alright day today.
As soon as he got home from work today, he asked me for the second half of that pill that he took yesterday. Of course, I gave it to him. There was really no other choice. Otherwise, he’d throw a tantrum and go do something super stupid like get himself arrested. So anyways. I gave it to him and you could automatically tell that his day literally brightened up. Just because he had a half of a stupid pill. It wasn’t because of me. It was all to do with the stupid pill. He didn’t look at me and say, “hey you look gorgeous, happy anniversary.” no. The first things out of his mouth upon coming home that day were to ask me about the pill. Lord help me.
Tomorrow is the big day though. Tomorrow he will be seeing a psychologist for the first time. I am actually beyond excited about this. I am hoping that this was the last year of all of this. This is a new fresh start.
Anyways, back to what happened. So, he gets high. Then he does his little weird quirks that he has when he is high. He starts talking about random stuff and he has a hard time sitting still, otherwise, he’ll nod off. But today, he decides to go to the gas station and get a cigarette. I hate it when he smokes. He only smokes when he’s high or drunk by the way. I don’t know why that correlation exists, but that’s what happens. And he typically gets the worst smelling black and mild. ugh. It just grosses me out thinking about it.
He gets back home and smokes it outside. And then he’s all like, “let’s go out and do something. let’s celebrate our anniversary. ” Honestly, I really wasn’t in the mood to be dealing with him at all, but I figured I’d make more of an effort today since it is our anniversary. Anyways, I went and did up my makeup really nice and did my hair the way he likes it.
He proceeded to tell me some more stupid stuff about how much he loves me and his life would be nothing without me. Literally stuff I hear every single time he is high and never when he is sober. It’s sweet and all, but very repetitive and very much not like himself. I think it’s just his subconscious trying to make it so that I don’t leave him.
I actually kind of feel bad for him today. This drug has such a control over him. It breaks my heart for him, really it does. I know he has a hard time with it as well. But, man, it sucks to be me. Let me be very honest with you all. Being his wife, it’s like an emotional roller coaster all the time. I have to be his babysitter, his motivator, his cheerleader. Honestly, I am exhausted all of the time.
So, back to the story, we went out to dinner. It was actually fairly nice. I think we had a rather good time. We come back home, of course, he tries to get frisky with me. Tried is the key word. He couldn’t even get hard enough to stick his dick inside. Although I enjoy having sex, I don’t know. Lately, our sex life has really been lacking. And it’s not really his fault. He tries. I’ll give him that. But, I don’t know. I can’t seem to make myself want him when he is high or is coming off of a high. I don’t know what it is about it. I just feel like he’s not really the same guy I feel in love with when he’s under the influence.
I don’t know.. These are just my really late night ramblings.
until next time…..