His Apology

He spent literally 2 hours begging for my forgiveness today. He apologized in the only real way that he knows how. He cooked for me.

My husband is a really good cook. Only when he wants to be though. We typically get takeout or frozen meals just because he doesn’t want to cook all the time at home and I don’t have the time.

Anyways, he cooked for me. And he apologized for his actions. I am not sure if he was completely sober though. He likes to apologize just when he is coming off of that high. He can think clearly, he says. He can think about things rationally without that intense craving for drugs being there.

Well, that does me a whole load of shit. Really. Because when the cravings are intense is when he says “fuck you” to everything and goes and gets high. At that point, he doesn’t care about the house payment, he doesn’t care about Perry’s food or shots. He literally doesn’t care about anything but getting that next high, chasing the next drug.

Lord, I don’t know what else to do anymore. I would like to say that I have the strength to move out and start living my life on my own. But I don’t know if I’m that strong. I just don’t have that strength in me, you know?

Sometimes, I feel like I am the one who needs to go see a psychiatrist instead of my husband. I feel like I’m going to explode with all of this built up tension and all of these built up feelings.

I went to see my mom today. I hadn’t seen her in about a month. She looked at me with pity in her eyes. That’s literally one of the worst things that I could have seen. I hate being pitied. I literally cannot stand it. She’s always trying to find out more about me and my life and she gets easily frustrated when I don’t tell her much. I feel like if I tell her too much, she’ll worry about me too excessively. I’m the only child she has so she is already super protective of me. Ugh. This life isn’t easy.

Anyways, until next time.

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