Lord Bless

Goodness Gracious. How life sucks right about now.

I get home today only to find that he is high. He lied to me again today, said he was sick and drank too much Nyquil. I called him out on his bullshit. Of course, once I called him on it, he had to confess. I am so sick and tired of this bull. How much longer do I have to suffer?

I am seriously considering packing a bag and moving in with my parents until he gets clean. Maybe if he loses me and everything else, he’ll understand. I just don’t know what the hell it’s going to take for him to realize that I won’t be around forever. I can’t. I can’t just stand by and watch him ruin his life. And mine with it.

I need to get out of this toxic relationship. It’s only ruining my life. He keeps taking more drugs, keeps smoking more, and keeps letting me down. I just don’t even know what to do anymore. I have tried getting him some help. But as they say, you can lead a horse to the water but you can’t make him drink.

I don’t know. I feel like I am his enabler at times. I have let this problem get way too out of hand. My parents like to state their opinion on the whole issue. But, honestly, they have never been through this. I’m not sure that their issues in marriage even begin to compare to mine and my husbands. Were we doomed from the beginning?

Fate has a funny way of doing things. You know? I mean, if I’m not meant to be with this man, why does the thought of leaving him hurt so much? Why is it not simple for me to just walk away from it all? I just want to move on with my life, but if I left him, I don’t think I would be able to function.

I have so much of my life already invested with this man. We have a house together, a dog together. Our lives have been intertwined for so many years already. Breaking it all apart is so much harder than it was to put it all together. Yet, I can’t seem to stop thinking about how much better my life would be without him. How much easier life would be without his drug addiction. Let’s be honest, he really isn’t the problem. I love him as a person when he is not high or on any drugs or alcohol. The issue is that he turns into a completely different person when he is high or he drinks.

I keep waiting for a phone call from a police station saying that he’s in jail. I keep waiting for a phone call from the ER telling me he’s overdosed and in critical condition. I keep waiting for the day he has to go into a nursing home at the age of 40 because he had a stroke from the abuse of drugs. I keep waiting for all this bad stuff to keep happening in my life. Life shouldn’t be this hard. Life shouldn’t present all of these challenges. Why am I the one who has to experience this? I see all of my friends who have these beautiful lives that they are living. They are happily in love and their boyfriend/husband/fiancee is not an addict. They don’t have to wonder what they get to go home to daily. They just get to go home and enjoy their life.

You guys want to know the very fucked up part? I honestly do not know how to say no to him. He always wins in fights or arguments that we have. He is a master manipulator. Oh gosh. I am so screwed.

In the course of writing this, I have decided that I will be leaving him until he cleans up his act. He told me that he would not be doing drugs anymore after the visit to the psychiatrist. He lied. So now it’s time to suffer the consequences of his actions.

I will keep you updated.

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