Have you ever looked around you and all you see is happy people when you are miserable? Yeah, that’s about how my life is right now. Everyone seems to have it a little better than how my life has turned out. Even though, rationally, I know so many other people have it much worse.
I see happy people all around me and it makes me sick. I was supposed to have a fucking amazing life. I was supposed to marry the man of my dreams, have kids by now, and be in this perfect relationship. That didn’t even turn out to be close to what it’s like. Have I mentioned that we are constantly broke?
Lord, I am so tired of juggling money issues just so my husband can have a fix. It is the most expensive habit in the world. Who the fuck in their right mind is paying $90 for an Opana? You heard me right, $90 for ONE fucking pill that will last maybe 2 days if you’re lucky. I am so sick and tired of shelling out upwards of $400 for drugs every single month.
Keeping up appearances is also exhausting. You see, he has just about everyone fooled. He is clean. He is in recovery and doing better. “Oh go fuck yourself.” is what I want to scream at the top of my lungs to him. I am filled with so much rage and anger at his addiction and at him for being so weak.
He is the man. Why is he not strong enough to fight this? Why doesn’t he try harder to fight? I feel like I am the strong one in the relationship and not by choice but by necessity. It’s fucked up. I can’t be strong all the time. I just can’t be strong anymore. My mental health is suffering because of all of his bullshit.
God, I am exhausted from juggling so much shit in my life. No wonder my hormones are messed up like crazy and I am struggling to lose weight. Stress packs on the pounds. Right? And with every single lb I gain, I feel like my husband is attracted to me even less. And we all know that my sex life is already pitiful.
Yes, I am having a pity party for myself right at this moment. He’s in the other room high as a kite, begging me to give him some more.
I am exhausted of the roller coaster of feelings I have. I am exhausted physically, and especially mentally. What the fuck did I do so wrong in my life to deserve this? Almost no one understands. Help me.
Comment some words of inspiration. I need them today.